Tony Keeps Sheets Clean, Wins 1st Bobblehead
Super heroes save lives. Gingers communicate telepathically. Tony poops beds. Simple facts of life. That was until 2022, when Tony rewrote his bed pooping history en route to his first ever bobblehead.
Tony had dreamt of hoisting a bobblehead someday the way Ralphie dreamt about Red Rider beebee guns. His odds of winning one over the years though had gotten…colder. But like being hit in the face by a snowball thrown from an impossible angle while sitting in the passenger seat of a moving car with only one back window narrowly cracked open, the unthinkable can happen.
The snowball came from the back, and from the left. Back…and front the left.
2022 marked Tony’s 3rd Bobble Bowl appearance. His kryptonite however, had been walking away from one with a bobblehead.
In 2010, the same year he could be found at the Iron Man 2 premier in an iron man suit holding a Double Baconator, Tony found himself in his first Bobble Bowl. But unlike Tony Stark, there was no storybook ending for Mr. Tony. He ended up getting his ass kicked, losing to B Scott in the 2nd biggest blowout in Bobble Bowl history.
Tony handled that loss as if the Doritos factory had gone out of business.
He decided it would be easier to spend the next decade slumming it in the bottom half of the standings than going for another bobblehead. And just like emo Peter Parker, that’s exactly what he did. Tony spent the next better part of a decade beating up on people in the Relegation Playoffs on his way to an eight year playoff drought.
It wasn’t until ten years after his 2010 loss that Tony finally remembered that there’s a reason why we fall. He decided it was time to pick himself back up.
And got back up he did. Now much skinnier, married, and a new dad, Tony had seemingly left his bed pooping days behind him. He made it to his second Bobble Bowl in 2020, this time against Billy. He came out the gates hot, cruising on the wings of Alvin Kamara’s Christmas shoes.
He made such a ripple that it sparked the commissioner to start drafting Tony’s championship article. That was until Monday night football happened, where Tony would be brought back to earth and the commish would be sent back to the editing room.
Stefon Diggs, aka Mr Monday Night, posted 41.5 points (the most points he had ever put up as a Buffalo Bill up to that point) and sent Tony from what he thought was a sure victory to yet another crushing defeat.
His dreams of hoisting a bobblehead had once again been expelliarmus’d.
Tony relapsed hard. The very next year, he was back in the Relegation Bowl. As he replayed the memories in his head of Diggs destroying his bobblehead hopes like Bane destroying Gotham, Tony decided it was time to get back up again, this time for good.
He wasted no time, making it to his third Bobble Bowl that very next year. This time it would be against Cox, in a matchup that once again set himself up with a Monday night matchup with his fate in the hands of the Buffalo Bills. With the Yahoo! projection odds in his favor, Tony’s ginger senses were tingling. He could feel the bobblehead within reach.
Until the unthinkable happened.
The first ever canceling of a Monday Night Football game had seemingly handed Tony yet another Bobble Bowl loss courtesy of the Buffalo Bills. Tony’s season was on its way to having a worse ending than Eragon.
So many thoughts raced through his head. Could his elder wand fix this? If only he were Superman…he could fly around the world, reverse time and undo this. But Tony didn’t have any spells or capes. His fate was going to be decided by a jury of his peers. It was going to a vote.
Common law prevailed, and Tony was given a week 18 redemption shot by a League! vote of 8 to 3 to 1. It was time to make the transformation from bed pooper to bobblehead hoister.
With Hans drunkenly crunching the official week 18 numbers at Soldier Field, Tony waited to see if the odds would finally be in his favor. Tony prevailed, beating Cox 159.06 - 144.08 in Bobble Bowl XIX.
In one of the wicky wicky wildest endings ever, Tony had finally done it. He had come out the other end of a fantasy season with a bobblehead on his mantle and a set of clean sheets on his bed.
Congrats, Mr. Tony, on finally making it into Bobblehead immortality.
