Tony Finishes Season with Bobblehead, Clean Sheets, for 1st Time in League! History

From bed pooper to bobble header, Tony finally overcame his kyptonite this year on his way to his 1st bobblehead in League! history.

Super heroes save lives.  Gingers communicate telepathically.  Tony poops beds.  Simple facts of life.  That was until this year, when Tony rewrote his bed pooping history en route to his first ever bobblehead.

Tony had dreamt of hoisting a bobblehead someday the way Ralphie dreamt about Red Rider beebee guns.  His odds of winning one over the years though had gotten…colder.  But like being hit in the face by a snowball thrown from an impossible angle while sitting in the passenger seat of a moving car with only one back window narrowly cracked open, the unthinkable can happen.

Tony is no stranger to Bobble Bowls.  This year marked his third appearance.  His kryptonite however, had been walking away from one with a bobblehead.

In 2010, the same year he could be found at the Iron Man 2 premier in an iron man suit holding a Double Baconator, Tony found himself in his first Bobble Bowl.  But unlike Tony Stark, there was no storybook ending for Mr. Tony.  He ended up getting his ass kicked, losing to B Scott in the 2nd biggest blowout in Bobble Bowl history.

Tony handled that loss as if the Doritos factory had gone out of business.

He decided it would be easier to spend the next decade slumming it in the bottom half of the standings than going for another bobblehead. And just like emo Peter Parker, that’s exactly what he did. Tony spent the next better part of a decade simply not caring, beating up on people in the Relegation Playoffs on his way to an eight year playoff drought.

It wasn’t until ten years after his 2010 loss that Tony finally remembered that there’s a reason why we fall.  He decided it was time to pick himself back up.

And got back up he did.  Now much skinnier, married, and a new dad, Tony had seemingly left his bed pooping days behind him.  He made it to his second Bobble Bowl in 2020, this time against Billy. He came out the gates hot, cruising on the wings of Alvin Kamara’s Christmas shoes. 

He made such a ripple that it sparked the commissioner to start drafting Tony’s championship article.  That was until Monday night football happened, where Tony would be brought back to earth and the commish would be sent back to the editing room.

Stefon Diggs, aka Mr Monday Night, posted 41.5 points (the most points he had ever put up as a Buffalo Bill up to that point) and sent Tony from what he thought was a sure victory to yet another crushing defeat.

His dreams of hoisting a bobblehead had once again been expelliarmus’d , and it wasn’t clear how Tony would respond.

Tony relapsed hard. The very next year, he was back in the Relegation Bowl. As he replayed the memories in his head of Diggs destroying his bobblehead hopes like Bane destroying Gotham, Tony quickly deshi basara’d his way back. He ended up crushing Herriott in the Relegation Bowl. With an extra 2nd round draft pick and newfound hope, he was ready to go for it one more time.

Fresh off near relegation, Tony wasted no time getting himself back to Bobble Bowl form the very next year. This time it would be against Cox, in a matchup that once again set himself up with a Monday night matchup with his fate in the hands of the Buffalo Bills.  With the Yahoo! projection odds in his favor, Tony’s ginger sense was tingling. This felt like it was going to be his year.

Until the unthinkable happened.

The first ever canceling of a Monday Night Football game had, at that moment, handed Tony yet another Bobble Bowl loss courtesy of the Buffalo Bills. Tony’s season was seemingly going to have a worse ending than his favorite dragon movie, Eragon.

So many thoughts raced through his head.  Could his elder wand fix this?  If only he were Superman…he could fly around the world, reverse time and undo this.  But Tony didn’t have any spells or capes.  His fate was going to be decided by a jury of his peers.  It was going to a vote.

Common law prevailed, and Tony was given a week 18 redemption shot by a League! vote of 8 to 3 to 1. It was time to make the transformation from bed pooper to bobblehead hoister.

With Hans drunkenly crunching the official week 18 numbers at Soldier Field, Tony waited to see if the odds would finally be in his favor. Tony prevailed, beating Cox 159.06 - 144.08 in Bobble Bowl XIX.

In one of the wicky wicky wildest endings ever, Tony had finally done it.  He had come out the other end of a fantasy season with a bobblehead on his mantle and a set of clean sheets on his bed.

Congrats, Mr. Tony, on finally making it into Bobblehead immortality.